A Pro in the Game
I've always believed I was a pro at grieving. I've been dealing with death of my family since I was in kindergarten. I knew how I reacted after the initial moment. I was able to deal and cut off my feelings when needed or how to allow myself to feel. But in the last 3 years I've realized that I'm not the pro I thought I was.
My maternal grandfather was the first person that I truly remembered being around that died. The list grew at a vast speed in the follow years. I lost both paternal grandparents, an uncle, and my brother all before I hit the 4th grade. I saw the inside of Brown Funeral Home more than I wanted, but it was also a safe space for me. I lost my last grandparent my 9th grade year, and that was the beginning of what I felt like the "hard" part. After high school and college there were plenty of friends and family that left. And it just felt like death was surrounding me.
I grieved my mother before she died due to her hospital stay. Since that day grieving has been different for me. The swings of emotions and feelings come and go. But it's something to be said when both parents are gone in within 15 months of each other (or less). I hadn't fully and properly grieved. I wasn't to the point where I was truly okay. But if someone asked, I would always respond the same way, "I'm okay" or "I'm doing". That answer isn't always the same these days. My emotions are truly a rollercoaster.
I may have 4 good days and 1 bad day or 2 great days, 2 bad days, and a horrible day. The thing about grief is we do it on our terms. The steps of grief don't go in the order that they are listed and some of them repeat themselves more than once or twice. Knowing it's okay to go through each emotion in what my timeframe looks like, is the one thing that helps me the most mentally.
My dad's death took me completely off guard. I wasn't ready or prepared. And being honest, I've spent a lot of time mad and upset that he left. I want to be selfish, feeling like he shouldn't have left me because I needed him. The guilt some of us are carrying for not knowing what he may have been going through. But I’ve said from the very moment I knew he was gone before I got there that he missed is “D” and he was ready to join with her. I that’s the only way I can understand it.
A New Journey
Listen blogging is a form of therapy for me. I’ve been clear about allow people in on my life to a certain extent. This won't be the last post I will make about grief. Matter of fact, I have several post ready so I think I’ll add this as a mini series. Hopefully it’ll help me get back into flow of blogging like I wanted to this year. I just want others out there to know and understand that you aren't alone. We will get through this.