21, twenty one, veintiuno. That's the number of days from the time my mother died to the day I started working. I understand that most people only get a few days off before having to go back to work. I hadn't worked in months. My reason for moving back to Arkansas was to help with my mother's care. I did the best I could trying to navigate between my household and my parents, yet many times I don't feel as though I did enough.
In starting my new position, I was unhappy. Someone in the office was named Gloria. Hearing her name being called constantly during the day wasn't easy. I was given the opportunity to leave and take my talents somewhere else. I did, and day after day I realized I wasn't protecting my mental. I wasn't as prepared as I should've been to take on the role as an employee. I also wasn't prepared to go back into a workplace that didn't allow me to do me. My previous employment in Memphis gave me skills that taught me, I was more than capable of making decisions that would be conducive for any organization I worked for. I have a very strong personality and I don't mind speaking on my thoughts when I believe there are ways that I can help. I literally let my previous ED know that my face will show it before I say it, and I'm going to tell you how I feel about it. I know and understand what when I say something they don't have to take it into consideration, hell they don't have listen. But I have always been in positions where I knew my opinion mattered.
My anxiety was getting the best of me. I'm going to therapy and my therapist suggested meds. Of course, my initial reaction was "No, give me the tools to see if I can get over this using them first". Ya'll this isn't my first time in therapy. But I soon realized that this wasn't the same. After talking with my amazing therapist she let me know I was having anxiety attacks. Ya'll I didn't even realize it. My mom was my go to for all issues. She was the one that kept my anxiety controlled. And I can talk to her still, but I don't hear her voice immediately anymore.
How did you handle this?
The thing that took me over the most was Bailey saying to me "Mama, you are always busy." And I was, I wasn't allowing myself to have a truly have a balance between work and personal and it was many factor that came into play. So, after talking with a few family members about it, the decision to leave was ultimately the choice. The last day I ended up working, I also had a therapy session. I walked into the session and my therapist immediately noticed a difference in my energy. She asked what was going on and after updating her on the events that took place from the last time until the present, she stood there and I could tell that she felt I was finally listening. She had been telling me to leave because it wasn't helpful to my mental well-being. But there I was telling her that I had some ideas about what I would like to do. I have plenty of friends telling me to focus on my business or options they think I would be good at. As I told her these ideas, she looked at me and said she hadn't heard me talk about the work I was doing the same way. I had excitement in my voice about the possibilities.
What's the next move?
What am I doing now? Well, the jury is still out on that. I do want to focus on making my business what I know it can be. I'm just now getting back into the feel of wanting to do make cups and do things like that. But I'm also wanting to take on clients soon for interior styling amongst other things. Now, I'm still dealing with anxiety, and it creeps out and shows its ugly head. BUT it's nowhere near what it used to be. I'm grateful for a husband that supports me and gets it. Be on the look out for what is to come because I'm not stopping.
The thing I want people to know most about this blog is to listen to yourself. Go see that therapist, put in the time and work finding the therapist that's going to be good FOR YOU, not just because someone you know is going to them or referred them. Understand that your mental health is important. It's okay to not be okay some days. On the good days celebrate them to the highest level. Celebrations don't have to be known to everyone, but take time in to reflect and realize what made the day a good day. Mindfulness is important in every aspect of the way. We are all going through things, and there are people that are available to help us get through them in health ways. Don't believe the hype that you are crazy for going to a therapist or something has to be wrong with you. Therapy makes people better, and who wouldn't want to be a better version of themselves?